Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
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A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Strangers have the best candy.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.