My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.