Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
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*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.