[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
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If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I hope they boil the right one.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table