80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
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Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
shut up and take my money
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.