🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
DOOO EEEET
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes