i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
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if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.