To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
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Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
our love story in four pictures
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name