Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
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“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
The fall of Netflix
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
yeah no that’s fair
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”