Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
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No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
honestly, i need both:
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
me when I see my crush
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No