It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
You Might Also Like
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.