“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?