It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
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The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.