If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
You Might Also Like
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.