I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
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Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.