that lip filler tho
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Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim