Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.