Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
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Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
good let them take over I have had enough
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
A woman drives into a bar.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?