There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
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Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I’m not proud
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong