When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
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95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
uncle dave has been through hell
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife