Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
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So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Gods work.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma