😅🤣😂
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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.