My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
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It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Lol
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this