My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
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Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
pizza
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.