Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
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Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Haha! 😂
real
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Owl Sanctuary
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice