[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
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You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Nice try Hitler
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.