The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently