Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
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[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
He-man has a Masters degree
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.