Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
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How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
This meeting could have been a cake
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.