same energy
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree