*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
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ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!