1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
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Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.