[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
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the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!