My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
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Xylophonist Shredding It
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.