My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
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Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I saw nothing
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.