If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
What the hell happened in there??
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns