When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
How high do the levels go?
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
#Caturday
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries