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I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
This kid is a star!
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
March 16
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
what day is it?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.