My purse is deeper than some people.
You Might Also Like
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
much to think about
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”