The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
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#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
kitchen magnet
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.