Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
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Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Well, this certainly took a turn
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.