me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
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Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
can’t catch a break
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Where’s my employee discount too?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.