God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
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[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.