It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.