If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”