“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
You Might Also Like
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]