Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
You Might Also Like
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases