I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
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look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.