animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
You Might Also Like
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
2 years later
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”