When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
You Might Also Like
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I unironically love this joke.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Just got to our Airbnb!
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.